Disney and Political Science Part I

For your perusal and education I give you the Disney Queens listed from worst to best rulers...because happily ever after begins with healthy trade relations and consistent rule of law.

12-Snow White/Charming

She grew up in the palace so maybe she picked up a few useful snippets of court etiquette, but her life as a servant isn’t likely to help her guide her kingdom through the rocky transition to a new ruler after the evil queen mysteriously dies. Prince Charming is also a liability. What do we really know about this guy anyways? Why was a prince from a foreign kingdom sneaking around the castle? It seems pretty suspicious to me. Snow White herself is pretty vacant and she gets her advice from woodland animals.

Between Snow White’s dubious leadership skills and Charming’s possible status as a spy, I give these guys two months on the throne tops.

11-Pocahontas/John Smith

Let’s address something first:

1. Pocahontas + John Smith ≠ a thing. The story of her saving him was either some kind of adoption ritual or Smith made it up entirely. Pocahontas eventually married a tobacco farmer who took her back to England to show her off and get funding for more expeditions. I know you guys know this, I just have to get it out of the way.

2. Chieftainship in the Powhatan tribe was matrilineal. It means that if you’re the chief then your sister’s son is next in line and so on. Pocahontas (and any brothers she may have had) were never contenders for tribe leadership.

But let’s say what if. Let’s say that somehow Pocahontas and John Smith get married and lead the tribe. This could be cool, it could usher in a new age of understanding between settlers and natives. They could work together and form a better civilization with the technology of the old world and the local knowledge of the new world...I’m just kidding. You know it’s all going to end with disease and gunpowder.

So it’s not really their fault, but the Pocahontas/John Smith Kingdom is simply impossible to keep together. They’re not going to make it.

10-Aurora/Phillip  

Phillip’s ok: raised for the job, good personality, socially progressive. “Now, father, you're living in the past. This is the 14th century!” He’ll be fine.

It’s Aurora I’m worried about. She’s a nice kid but she was raised in the forest with no one but her three fairy godmothers. Let me put it another way: She had no contact with actual humans until she was about sixteen. Her parents will give her some guidance, but her father’s really more of a comic relief than responsible monarch. I don’t have high hopes for her education.

Aurora and Phillip will muddle through as long as there’s no major crisis…like the Black Death.

9-Ariel/Eric

Same deal with Ariel and Eric. He’s dashing, charismatic, and presumably knows his way around a ship—great skills for a future king of a coastal country. He’ll be great.

       

I was worried about Ariel because she’s overdramatic and she makes questionable decisions. Then I remembered that she’s sixteen, she’ll get over it. My husband pointed out that in the sequel she seemed like a decent parent and the country hadn’t fallen apart (this is not an endorsement of any Disney sequel ever.)

It’ll be a rough ride at first what with learning how to use forks and wear clothes, but Ariel grew up as a princess. She’ll eventually be an adequate queen with Eric’s help.

8-Mulan/Shang

So she’s not a princess. I get that. However her husband is a general. Let’s pretend that he gained the unswerving loyalty of his troops, staged a coup, and took over the empire. Badabing, badaboom, mandate of heaven, Mulan is now an empress.

This really could go either way. On the one hand she’s unconventional and has trouble following the gender norms of the time. She could absolutely fail, shame her family, and turn public opinion against her so much that she and Shang get executed.

Here’s where the fanfic comes in:        

Shang’s busy quelling internal dissent, Mulan tries to be the picture-perfect empress. When she can no longer turn a blind eye to the injustices of the court (in this case guys making gals do stuff that gals don’t want to do) Mulan does some vigilante justice Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon style. While creeping around at night she discovers a plot against her husband and investigates. Soon she’s caught and her unconventional behavior plays right into the bad guys’ evil scheme to undermine Shang.  The bad guys convince the court that Mulan is disgraceful and dangerous.  The bad guys order their minions to attack Mulan.

Mulan’s husband and buddies are ready to fight with her. Then one by one all the ladies of the court gather around her to protect her. The minions back down without a fight. Mulan gives an inspiring speech about how Women Should Be Allowed To Do Stuff They Want To Do.

       

The court is convinced; even the short, annoying minister from the first movie is on her side now.  However we have to end the movie with some action so the bad guy reveals a secret weapon, Mulan &co work together to disable the secret weapon and fight bad guys. This last scene should feature extra girl power because, hey, it’s Mulan we’re talking about.

At the end of the movie we see everyone working together. Men and women are happy because Women Are Now Allowed To Do Stuff They Want To Do. Mulan’s refusal to follow gender norms creates a historically inaccurate Chinese renaissance.

With such great results I want to give them the top score, however since this scenario is highly improbable Mulan and Shang land in the number eight spot.

7-Rapunzel/ Flynn

Rapunzel has the same problem that Aurora and Ariel had: no contact with human society during her formative years. Unlike those princesses she doesn’t have a prince with a lifetime of royal experience.  So why do I give Rapunzel the higher rank?

Problem solving ability. She knocks Flynn out, showing that life in a tower hasn’t made her totally naïve. She successfully holds him hostage and convinces him to help her accomplish her lifetime goal of seeing the lights.  Her lack of familiarity with the world occasionally gets her into tricky situations, but her resourcefulness always gets her out of them. Stunningly, she also has the clarity to trust herself rather than her mother/witch. The ability to know when to take advice and when to ignore criticism is a life skill that most of us in reality lack. This Disney Princess is going to be just fine.

Flynn is a problem. He’s dead charming but he’s used to pleasing himself, defying authority, and constantly moving around. If he were to be King he’d only be doing it for Rapunzel and for the opportunity to have a castle. That might not be enough motivation to keep him there.

That being said, this couple is adaptable and they’ve already shown the ability to grow together. “You were my next dream.” Remember that bit? They set goals, accomplish them together, then they make new goals like champions.  They might not be the most politically savvy but they’re going to have one heck of a relationship.  They’ll stumble, but I think they can handle anything.

Tune in next week for part two wherein I reveal the top six best Disney rulers.

Comments? Concerns? A desire to turn my Mulan fanfic into a movie? Drop me a line.